Letters to Momma...

Journey (not the bad )

2011-02-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

I've largely neglected this blog - its just been part of the process. It looks like I haven't posted in almost a year. In that time, I've planned a wedding, gotten married, and navigated the first 7 months of marriage without crashing and burning. Like I've said in the past two weeks, what a year its been.

Looking into 2011, there isn't so much going on yet - I'm still working where i was working, and little has changed about that - we're STILL at a loss as to how to find the right team member to complete the puzzle - how many frogs do we have to kiss... in all seriousness, we're number 13 or 14, i really have lost count...

So on a quiet, dreary Saturday morning, i'm taking time to look backwards -

The first year after mom died was hard - it was about surviving. I cried alot. I lost my mom, I lost my job, and in alot of ways, I lost my way. I couldn't hold it together very well, and I spent alot of time hiding under a rock. I went to more dead end interviews than i ever hope to admit to, and i lost alot of faith in myself in doing that. but, my nephew was born, I got a puppy, and i started a new job - but beyond that- it was a miserable, long, painful year.

The second year was about rebuilding. I had started a new job, and was getting back on my feet. I didn't always fall apart, and we all started learning out to stand on our own. I started to appreciate the time I had had with my family. Things at work were challenging, but I settled in and alot of good things happened. At the end of January, I got engaged, and started planning a wedding, something that in the years before, I wasn't even totally sure I'd even want.

As i begin to approach the end of year three, I think that this was the year of healing. I spent alot of long nights stressing over the details of my wedding, wishing I could share the day with my mom. And not to say the day wasn't hard in some way for everyone. My Uncle Wade was killed in a work related accident just two days before the wedding... It was hard to keep focus and direction in the home stretch as we all tried to grasp what to do. I mean - these things aren't supposed to happen. We all cried, at least a little, but it was truly the happiest day of my life. People commented about how I was SMILING, and that everything was beautiful. The months of hard work paid off. It was hot - like surface of the sun hot - and i was teriffied the cake, my guests, and my makeup were going to melt. But one of the more profound moments was the massive, violent thunderstorm that hit just after we left - Sometime much later, i heard teh song "Holes in the floor of heaven" and broke down, seeing a bit of symbolism in it all -

Year three also marks my start of doing photography seriously - I've been working with my sister/Nicole Vance Photography and now i'm starting to get some work on my own - i see major investments in equipment, but i'm so excited about the possibilities.

So what am i saying -

life is a journey, and on that journey, we are students. We learn, and live, and grow, whether we like it or not. The path is not always our chosing, but we can seer ourselves towards the horizon, and keep pushing on, and in the end, it is what it is - a journey.

so i'm getting married.. yeah... wow...

2010-02-11T16:35:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting on this blog for two weeks... more than two weeks... I've been doing so much thinking, and wondering, and planning.

so i'm getting married... in what my countdown counter says is 16 weeks and 2 days. that's what i want. but its not easy - its so not easy.

The planning part is exciting. I'm thrilled at the idea of pretty flowers, and a yummy cake, and a white dress that brings tears to my eyes when i think about it.

but i'm trying so hard to take my time, and do this right. Its taken us almost 10 years to come to the right place where we are both ready, where we are able to do this. I probably could have pressured this into happening sooner, but it has been so important to me for us to come to this place, each on our own.

And I know that the past few years have changed a lot. But I've also learned a lot.

I've learned that time is precious, and its important to laugh, to tell jokes, and to make sure that you take things into perspective.

I've learned about being true to myself, and taking time to evaluate myself. To take stock in my life, and chose my path.

I've come to realize its about what makes me happy. And what makes me happy isn't always about how much is spent.

I guess maybe i'm just past the "Its MY DAY!!" phase of life. yes - it is OUR day, but its not just my day - its about what we want, and not about just about me. Its about celebrating us, about commemorating the first ten years together, and preparing for the rest of our lives. Its about not asking him to do things that he's not comfortable with.

So this is what it's about -

its about standing in front of our closest friends and family, and not inviting people just because.
Its about doing what we want, the way we want, where we want, because we want it this way.
its not about the money - the way that we're not spending a bunch of money to impress, or to have "our day" because we realize that, in the end, we're just as married for $5,000 as $30,000...
Its about setting the tone for the way we will continue handling things- being open about what we're doing, and discussing our options.

so its happening... and i'm so happy... it may not sound like it, but i'm soo happy.

change

2009-11-19T19:05:00.000-08:00

i don't do change - i really don't. i take too long to adapt to new things.

I just don't like change.

But the past few years of my life have been nothing but change. Moving, losing mom, losing my job, getting a nephew, getting buddy, and finding a new job. Its been alot, and i haven't liked it, i haven't done well with it, and i wish i could make more sense.

In fact, i'm starting to get a real problem with change. Its not unhealthy yet, but i'm finding it hard to take all the changes that have come up.

I know that live is about changes, and that a static life isn't a realistic expectation.

but i'm also competitive, and i see everyone else making changes in their lives, and i'm envious. I can't grasp the good things in my own life for spending too much time looking at other peoples lives. I also know that live isn't a competition. I know that.

I've had alot of time to take stock in what my life is about.

i'm happy... even if its not what my fb status says, or what i'm twitting... i like my job, i love my hunny & my buddy, and i'm moving forward. That's what its all about! (hokie pokie)

how life is sometimes

2009-07-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

I was sitting down to write a blog about how i love they quiet of a saturday morning in our house... Mike usually sleeps in and i get to have a very leisure morning...

BUT...

instead, i sat down at the computer, and the dog yaked right beside me... then again in the living room... Blah

I don't handle puke well...

My portable carpet scrubber isn't working properly...

I hope this isn't the way my day is going to go... i need that cup of coffee i was going ot get NOW!

why i'm not "pagaent material"

2009-06-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

was watching the Miss Virginia Pagaent.... here's why i never made it into that sort of event.

I can't walk in heels - at all - and certinally not 5" heels.
I'm blindingly white -
I can't pretend to be interested in that many other women for that long.
I don't have a talent. I dont' sing, especially not opera, i dont' act, i don't twirl, I can't dance, and it's been over 10 years since i picked up my flute, and i wasn't good then.
I can't fit my chest in most formalwear dresses or bathing suits.
I'm pretty sure i can't manage a PC answer to the questions they ask...

aside from that, it was a beautiful day...

Cruzan

2009-06-26T21:02:00.001-07:00

Its another stormy, lonely Friday night... I just can't get over spending Friday and Saturday nights alone. I'm getting more invitations to do things, but I just don't know where i fit in the scheme of things... there aren't any TGIF workouts at the gym to wrap up my week with. And i don't have a posse of girls to chill with yet. I've been out here over three years and I don't really have any local friends yet. I'm meeting some people at the gym, and i'm getting to be friends with K at work. We go water aerobics together, but I still miss my girls.

So i'm sitting here , at a little past midnight, waiting for hunny, listening to Kenny Chesney and drinking Cruzan and juice... that's made all the difference...

Maybe i just need to drink more.

2009-04-20T18:47:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday mom...

i love you...

frustration

2009-04-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

overall, i have little to complain about - but i will.

I'm frutrated. Going back to work has been a tough adjustment, and that itself has frustrated me. I've also been somewhat frustated at work, but that's alot of the learning curve of what i do. There's alot to learn, and it can mostly be only learned with expirence. BUt that's getting better.

The frustration i can't get a handle on is the home time. I can't seem to get motivated to get anything done at home. I don't want to do anything but goof off. I miss having leisure time to get things done. Tomorrow isn't as good of a time to do things now. And after a full day of work, i have no desire to sit down and do things that aren't enjoyable when i get home. I want to play with my dog, and relax. I don't have a drive to cook. I love to cook - but i just don't care right now. I'd eat anything... and i have been. I had broccoli and cheese for dinner last night. Cause it was easy, and i watned to eat some of hte food out of the freezer. That's how i've been deciding on dinner. What doesn't require me to do any dishes, or put out too much effort. I hate to say it but i want to be lazy and have things be easy.

I want change in my life. I feel like things have gotten stale. I went for months being unable to do anything, and now have all these things i want to do, but i still don't have the money, and i don't have the time. I miss the spare time, and i miss the drive to accomplish things... its been a long time since i had satisfaction in finishing a project.

I want to make changes, and i want to feel like i'm moving forward. I'm no long falling back, but i don't feel like i'm moving forward. And its my own fault... i jus tt don't have the drive...

spring

2009-03-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

I've not posted much - (again).

I've had alot going on, and usually think of great blogs in the shower, of when i'm driving, but by the time i sit down, they are gone.

Work is going well... they've replaced the incompetent one with someone who can function as part of the office, and she's a pretty good fit. i'm workting with other people who are practicing catholics for the first time in my life, and its nice. sorta a support group for lent.

I can't believe my puppy is almost 40lbs. If i don't hurry up and lose some weight, i'm not gonna be able to weigh him anymore - we'll be heavier than the scale can handle!

I've been doign alot of thinking lately, about where things are going, and what i want to do. I need to get more motivated adn get going with things. It's almost april. I've been having a big problem with procrastination.

I also wish i had more time with hunny... our new working schedules are prettymuch screwing up life. We see eachother one full day a week, and then two partial days. It sucks. we're not communicating as well as we did at my old job, and i need to make more of an effort. I just have been trying so hard to do a good job at work i havn't takd the time to talk to hunny... :(

these newfound free saturdays are strange... i need to find something good to do toady.

skeletons in my closet

2009-02-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

a few things abuot me that i've been thinking abuot

I am becoming a nervous person. I hate meetings, and i don't like being called into them.
I miss mom... not that that's news, but i really miss her.
I've prettymuch lost most of my self confidence, at least from my point of view. I hate unfamiliar situatiuons, and i'm not really good iwth people i don't know well
blah- i've been drinking and this is tough...
i'm not where i thought i would be
This past year has been tough, and i woudln't repeat it for the world
i seem to have lost the ability to write... not general writing, but my beloved poetry... i put the pen in my hand, but it doesn't write... I miss the ability to spill my guts in ink.

Ok... i give up.. i'm half lit and i can't do this right now... but i'm still posting because tehse are relevant points.

enjoy your night...

Photo Meme

2009-02-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

If you know me, this photo says everything. It reminds me of so many times in my life. Its one of the photos that my tattoo design is based on. Stargazer lilies are so symbolic to me, and i ts strange that this picture came up on this one...

The instructions to the meme are as follows:

Here are the rules:
1) Go to your picture folder wherever you store your pictures.
2) Go to the 6th folder and pick the 6th picture.
3) Post the picture on your blog and tell the story that goes with the picture.
4) Tag 5 other blogger friends to do the same and leave a comment on their blog that they've been tagged. I always leave this open to anyone intrigued by the meme.

there's a puppy asleep on my feet

2009-02-12T19:24:00.001-08:00

As i sit here typing, the dog is sleeping under the desk on my feet. Its a quiet (excpt for his snoring) moment that i enjoy most day. He's fresh adn clean out of a baht, and now he's sleeping off the exhaustion while i watch grey's/PP.

I've been so down the last few months. Its been tough. And i feel so blessed to be back working. And the people i work with really do think i'm doing a good job. They even tell me so. I'm stepping up to the plate and swinging, and it seems like so far, i'm gettting base hits (wow.. abaseball analogy... that's rare) I'm really trying to get ahead on this job. I want to learn. I feel like i have so much to give here, and i'm taking steps forward.

did i mention that buddy gives me kisses before i go to work every day?

And he's waiting for me when i come home every day...

I love my dog, and i love my job.

sitting and realxing

2009-02-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

This beautiful weather has granted me the opportunity to sit on teh deck, and enjoy the evening.

I'm liking my job. I like the people. I love my dog. Most things are lookign positive. My bank account is a little thin, but I expected that... we only get paid twice a month, instead of every two weeks, so I'll be broke a few days longer. Then a little $$ will grace my bank account and i'll be able to breathe a few moments.

Buddy has grown so fast. I know he's over 20 lbs now, which is a big change from about 4 when we got him.

i got my Valentines gift from hunny early this year. and i love it. Absoutly love it... no, i didn't get bling... i got BANG... :) i got a 22 pistol. :) a cute little Sig Mosquito. Its a fun little "plinker".

as i type, the dog sleeps at my feet under teh desk. Tonite, he's not farting (thank goodness) but he is snoring... i think its kinda cute that he snores. But its a little annoying too...

I miss Hunny. I've been trying to be patient and not pushy since we dont' see eachotehr every day. But i miss him.

I made adorable little chocolate cupcakes. I wanted to treat my co-workers- tehy are good people and i want to make sure everyone is happy. it could be a long few days, with people are otu on vacation.

So happy valentines day... :) Bang!

37 weeks later

2009-02-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

I havn't blogged much... like i posted last, the holidays were hard, and since then, i've spent most of my time with buddy... he's growing so big...

But i have another reason i havn't blogged... and most of my peoples knwo this becuse its been all over facebook and myspace.

I have a job. Its here in powhatan... i even learned my real title today, but i can't exactly remember it... billing clerk/something something. The office is a house, and my desk is in teh dining room. So far, i really like this job. Its been hard to adapt to working again, but its nice to be back in the real world... getting back on track to where i want to be.

So the unemployemnt coutner is gone, and i'm getting my life back headed in teh right direction...

blue christmas

2008-12-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

Ok... i'll admit it. I just plain out don't want Christmas. The thought of Christmas, and the holidays, and everything just makes me cry. Not just cry, but sob. I knew the holidays would be bad, but i just didn't know how bad. I love christmas. I love shopping for people. But this year i don't have a job and no money to shop for my loved ones. And don't say its not about the gifts - becuase when i think about that whole being with family thing, that makes me even more upset. I feel like i'm in a well and i can't climb out.

And i know i'm not alone. My sister and dad have both voiced that this just doen't seem like christmas.

And i'm not mad at mom... she'd be here if she could. She hung on and tried to fight more than anyone i've ever know. And i know she's here in spirit, and she's in heaven - probably crying because we're crying.

I just feel so selfish. I don't want to have christmas tomorrow. I don't have any gifts i really wanted. I don't want the tree in my living room to be there, and the gifts under the tree don't mean what they usually do.

I just feel sick this week. I havn't felt like eating - i've not eaten enough today, but i just feel sick. I've had trouble keeping up with buddy today. I just havn't wanted to do anything. I want to lay on the couch and sleep. I mean - i've been wearing sweatpants! i havn't worn sweatpants in years. I'm pretty sure if Hunny didn't have a pretty consistant schedule, I'd forget to shower, and i'm not sure i'd be eating. Heck- i have NO idea of what day it is. I only get out of bed when i do because i feel bad for the doggie... and then i go stand in teh cold and think wow- i don't have a job.

Yes, i'm feeling really sorry for myself. I know that i'm not the only person in the world that's going through this. And i don't have to have this attitude. But i have to be selfish right now - that's my gift to myself this christmas - that and a belt.

So sorry i'm not cheery- but i do wish you teh best merry christmas i can muster.

happy and sad

2008-12-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Buddy's vet apt went well. The nice vet lady said he looked good, but needed a special shampoo to clear up his skin isses. So its twice weekly baths for the boy.

I finally got around to decorating the tree tonite. Buddy was asleep and let me have some quiet time to finally hang the prettys. It looks nice.

I'm so sad to have decorated teh tree by myself. Mom alwys hated decorating the tree by herself, and waited till i came home from school to put the tree up. It was always a special time to begin the holiday season. It makes me so sad. I miss mom so much. I'm having a hard time getting myself in a festive mood this year. I still havn't made a christmas list for santa. I have started it so many times, and i don't get anywhere. I don't want much this year... I'm in such a tough place and i just want to make it though the holidays. I want to make this years special, espically since Hunny has been so great to me for months. I'm just heartbroken this holiday season.

The puppy is asleep in my lap, running in his sleep again. I love this doggie - he's just such a good dog for the most part. even if he does prevent me from getting much sleep.

a new family member...

2008-12-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

as i type, in my kitchen in a box, sleeps the sweetest puppy i've ever met. Buddy, as we've taken to calling him since i havn't come up with a better name, is my christmas present from Hunny. I've wanted a puppy since i got out of school 6 years ago, but the timing never was right. But with me still being at home, it seemed like the perfect time.

So we asked around, and found a friend who had a friend with puppies. Saturday after heading to town to finish up christmas shopping, we rode over to look at the puppies. There were two left, a brown one, and this black and white one.

And this puppy just crawled his way into my heart, wrapping his paws around my hand. It was cold, and he just clung to me.

I was in love.

and that was that. He came home with us...

As expected, his first night was long. But he's smart. He understands that when we go outside, we go potty. He's had accidents, but he's a puppy. He knows his towel, and that that's his spot, whereever we are, and he's taken to his new toys.

So now i have a nephew, and a puppy... so much going on. I'm on my way a little later to go see my nephew, and borrow some puppy stuff from my sister. Buddy will be upgrading to a crate. I'm sure he'll like that better (i hope so).

just another wednesday

2008-12-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

i've not been blogging as much, mainly because i don't have any idea where my time goes. I am pretty sure that i lost a few hours yesterday, but suspect that Master of Defense might be to blame. I love downloadable game trials.

I still havn't gotten teh christmas tree from under teh house. Hunny has been running around all week, and i wanted his help cause the boxes are big and kinda heavy/akward. but as of today, tehre jsut two weeks until christmas. I wanted the tree up over a week ago.

I've got an interview tomorrow. its not far from here. i'm hopefull, even if i have sorta lowered some of my standards. I figgure crossing the 6 month threshold is a good place to start changing my perspective.

I've gotten back on umployment (i think - i won't believe it till i see the money in my account). The process was annoying, but not half as stressful as last time.

Hunny's cousin passed away after a monthlong stint in a coma. He was unfortunatly on the losing end of a bicycle vs. car colission. Services are later this week, and i'm not really looking forward to that. I really don't do well at funerals, and i've avoided them since mom's. But i don't think we're going all the way to lynchburg for the funeral, so we'll just drop in for the graveside.

I'm finding i'm having more trouble being motivated. My brain has basically said - its chrismas - you can do NOTHING...

i need to do laundry and i need to clean. This office is a disaster adn i'm just letting it get worse and worse. I've got craft stuff eveywhere trying to get a few christmas ornaments made. I've got beads and glitter everywhere... it sorta feels like college again.

thanksgiving and since

2008-12-03T17:01:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving went well... hunny was great and supportive, the turkey was marvelous, and for the most part i kept my cool.

The long weekend was that - long

Mike walked into the house on monday, and declared "we have a pig problem..." turns out the neighbors pigs were roaming the neighborhood... first birds, now pigs...

not much to report... still a slow economy that's causing much suffering.

I'm thinking of starting to dig out christmas stuff tonite...

i need the pick me up

11/26/2008 10:34 AM

2008-11-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

The exact moment that i realized what the chalky white substance that's been on my kitchen table for a while is...

Its frosting - which explains why some of it was greenish, and other parts were white...

that's frosting from the babyshower/cookout in AUGUST.

I don't clean enough

i'm so dumb sometimes

2008-11-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

- i just got the meaning of the Kays Jewlers slogan

Every kiss begins with Kay (K)

wow... i've heard that for years and never thought twiec about that

thanksgiving freakout #1

2008-11-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

ok... so i volunteered to host our first post-Mom Thanksgiving here... My Sis & BIL will be at the in-laws for thanksgiving, so it's just the five of us here for thanksgiving.

Sis told Oma about it, so now its the plan... taht's the way things work with her.

So Oma called to discuss food...

no oma, i havn't bought anything yet...

yes oma, a 10 lb turkey should be plenty big,

no oma, we don't need that many sweet potatoes,

yes oma, we can eat early so you can make it home before it gets too late...

I hang up the phone, and suddenly i realize,

I don't own a gravy boat -

what have i gotten myself in to....

(yes i realize that you don't have to have a gravy boat to serve Thanksgiving dinner, but this is just the first, in what i have come to realize will be a long line of freakouts that i will have prior to actually sitting down to enjoy the meal. Other anticpated freakouts - how exactly do you make dressing, what is the reciepe for sweetpotatoes the way mom made tehm, and HOLY CRAP THERE ARE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!) stay tuned for more, unexpected freakouts...

turkey day

2008-11-05T10:21:00.001-08:00

i've been spending alot of time thinking about thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was the holiday that mom did all the cooking for. I don't even know how she made so many of the things that are what i think of when i say thanksgiving. Last year, my sister and i did most of the cooking, but mom was in the next room directing it all.

This year, my sister is going to her in-laws for thanksgiving, and so much of thanksgiving will fall on me. I'm so torn about cooking thanksgiving for the family, even if its just 4 or 5 of us. But i can't not do thanksgiving like we've always done it. Mom wouldn't want us to give up on the way things ahve been for years. I've been thinking of maybe trying to move it to another location, maybe my hosue, so i wont' have to cook that meal there without her.

Thanksgiving changed the first year my sister was married... ok... so it was more about the fact aht i had the end of my finger chopped of by a renegade grill under construction tahn her not being here, but it was the first time Thanksgiving was different. I was in the ER that night, and there wasn't a "family diner" as my mom, oma, and frank didn't know how long i would be, so they ate, then i tried to eat a little when i got home while dad got my prescriptions, and then i guess he ate later that night...

Thanksgiving is one of those days that, at some point, changes irrepairably in our lives. For some people its divorce, or like me, the changes in the people sitting at hte table. I can't immagine havng thanksgiving anywhere but with my family, but i'm not sure i can imagine what's its gonna be like sitting aroudn the table without her. We've gotten through family birhtday dinners, but this one is certinally different.

My birthday was hard. I had trouble just accepting that things had really changed. Mom took care of so many things and we never had to worry. She set dates for dinners, and got the food ready, baked the cakes, and kept oma calm. Sometimes its hard to remember that Mom's gone. Sometimes i wish i could just reach out and call her and ask her questions. My sister and I used mom as a sounding board so much that its been tough. We've turned to eachotehr so much - and that's been nice.

And one of the things i've foudn is that i just had to talk to someone sometimes. She rarely gave alot if input, jsut sorta let us talk and reassured us.

So i'm gonna try to start workign through the reciepes that i have to get right... I owe that to mom.

2008-11-04T15:37:00.000-08:00

was Sarah Palin rocking a Carhart coat when she voted?

livin in a purple state with ashy....

2008-11-03T10:03:00.001-08:00

You Should Live in a Purple State

Your preferences are 55% Blue, 45% Red

You may not be a swing voter, but you feel comfortable around moderate people.

You tend to do best in states with a red and blue mix - like Nevada and North Carolina.

You are adaptable. You can converse with a church crowd as easily as with grad students.

Should You Live in a Red State or a Blue State?

BIRDS!

2008-11-03T09:59:00.001-08:00

ok... so i wake up this morning to a FREAKING Guinea on my deck squawking, clucking and carry on. I chase it away, and try to lay back down...

It came back and was using my deck as it perch... I chased it away with a broom... waving my arms in the air and screaming....

I hate birds...

is it over yet?

2008-11-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'm just not political - I will vote, and I know who I'm voting for, but i'm just not for pushing my opinion on other people. They say politics and religion are not to be discussed, and i am really starting to agree.

I guess i just feel like people have all the right to believe what they want, but i don't want to know. And leaving just about nasty and mean statuses on facebook and myspace and such - its just wrong. Blog if you want, but don't impose your narrow views on me. I honestly don't have a party affiliation, and make my choices like i make all my decisions - i do research and try to be well imformed, so that i don't regret decisiions. I won't buy electronics without making sure that what i'm buying isn't a dud, and i feel the same way about my politicians.

I also know that no matter what the vote comes out as, the country isn't going but so far. Progress takes time, and in a government where power is carefully ballanced in order to let no one be a ruler, there's only so much one person can do, even a president. That's what checks and balances are designed for.

So please, go out and vote - but dont' tell me who your voting for, why you think the guy you didn't vote for is evil, or why i'm wrong (or right). I don't want to hear it.

2008-10-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

Knit.

that's what i'm doing.

Knitting...

and thinking about dinner, and teh future

but mostly...

knitting...

the walk of shame...

2008-10-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

It seems more and more like leaving some interviews is the walk of shame. I'm so tired of spending hours doing test and selling myself to find out that the agency i'm talking to "doesn't have anything right now, but will keep me in their system." I got a good feeling about the lady i talked to today that she'll at least not forget me when i walk out the door.

I feel like I'm going nowhere this week. I can't seem to get anything done - i missed half the load of laundry i did last night, and its taking way too much motivation to get myself to put the groceries away. I'm determined to have the kitchen cleaned up and make something good for dinner tonite.

I need to sit down and knit tonite. My latest project hasn't really gotten off the ground like i'd like, and i do have a deadline for this one.

And.... i've gotten a picture of a rare purple people eater... here it is...

Too cute... I love that kid...

maybe it was granny....

2008-10-28T13:28:00.001-07:00

maybe it was granny...

hehe...

2008-10-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Rapping Granny...

a sun behind the clouds?

2008-10-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

i just had a 30+ minute phone interview with someone who really gave me some optimism and insight into where things are going... it might go somewhere, and it might not, but he really really gave me some good info, suggestions, and plain out a little bit of sunshine in a cloudy day...

Tuesday blahs

2008-10-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get a direction and feel out what is the next right move in my life. I am starting to seriously consider getting a part time job, if things don't look up financially. I'm pretty sure that i can find somethign that will give me more money than i've been bringing in, and i will need more money for the holidays.

I've been doing alot of thinking, praying, contemplating, wishing, and every other possible consideration on what direction i want my life to go in. and i havn't gotten any answers. The job search has been slow, and i anticipate that it will be at least until after the election. People want to know what the future holds, and after they elect a president, there will be an idea of where the country will go.

As for the election, I have a very strong feeling that this election will change the country - i'm not sure which way it will go (good or bad) but i hope that change will come. I hope that people will consider not only their political affiliations, but what plan will best resurrect the country. I'd vote for Homer simpson if i felt he'd get have me a job when he got inagurated.

DOH!

I feel like poo - I need to run to town to do erands, and I need to clean the house, but I think i see an episode of Dr. Phil in my future...

Charlie Brown

2008-10-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

Charlie Brown

(This shirt was my latest Conner project)

halloween...

2008-10-21T14:36:00.001-07:00

halloween is 10 days away, and i don't have plans... no plans, no costume, and no trick-or-treaters show up at our house...

well damn...

looking at a mostly blank calendar

2008-10-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

so there's not much going on this week. I'm in town on Wednesday all day, but other than that, there is absolutly nothing going on this week -

i still can't find the temp tat paper... i've looked all over the place, and i have no idea where i put it. if teh dryer gnomes ate it, then i'm mad, cause i've been feeding the gnomes alot - i've been doing more laundry here in the past few weeks taht i've done in a while. I'm not sure where all these clothes are coming from, but i'm getting them clean and getting them put away.

The sheryl crow concert was good. I'm glad it was free though... i'm not sure a 90 minute show was long enough to spend a bunch of money on tickets - but it was a charity event!

maybe i'll get a goldfish. I want somethign to talk to other than myself - I want to rearrange some stuff here in teh office. i have alot of stuff in here that i can either get rid of, or relocate to use it.

I need to get on teh ball and decide what i want to do for my christmas tree... i've got a pretty new tree, and i'm pretty sure its gonna be naked as crap since i didn't have many ornaments. I've got a couple of ideas, and i'm not sure if i want a general theme, or just to do what i can to fill it in... i want to make some ornaments - mostly some tool/truck related ones.. but i have to figgure out how to do it without weighting down the branches, since most of my ideas have involved metal parts that get heavy fast...

i'm craving something, and i don't know what... i hate this...

i lose everything...

2008-10-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

i sketched (we, rendered) up a design for my tat idea, and now i can't find the inkjet tattoo paper i bought!

BLAH!

when do some things stop being news...

2008-10-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

ok... so the market was up, and then down, then way up, then way way down....

at the end of the week, tell me the end result... stop making people panic!

i need a job so i'm not watching daytime TV anymore - the Today show is starting to really suck - especially since its on most of the morning!

sunny day, sweeping the clouds away....

2008-10-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

its so pretty outside today - i just want to go sit in the sunshine and enjoy the day. I'm pretty sure that i'll end up outside at one point or another, but i don't want to get out too early in the day and get sun!

I had two promising interviews yeserday, and i'm nto sure they could have been more different. I'd like both for different reasons, and i'm not going to get into that... i hate getting other people's hopes up, more or less my own.

Its so quiet in the house some days. Im starting to think i want a dog - of course, there were 3 puppies in my yard when i got home yesterday, but they left and (assumedly) went home. They were cute, but not how i want to get my dog.

I need a haircut, and i'm debating whether i should fork over the $$ or just trim it myself. I like geting haircuts, but i'm not sure that its $$ i can justify spending right now.

two steps forward, two steps back

2008-10-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Had the second interview earlier this week... Got the rejection letter too! I'm not convinced that they didn't send the rejection letter as soon as i walked out the door from the interview. I got it that fast.

I've got a few interviews schedueled next week... maybe

I've been knitting some, and i broke down and bought a digital converter so we can try out this digital TV crap... i'm not sure how well its gonna work out for us in the long run, but so far its ok. A few extra channels, and the reception isn't too bad.

i like german chocolate cake. I like that i made it with my sister, and we didn't totally screw it up. It was a nice oportunity to spend time with her and the baby. i like that kid. he's a good kid.

The economy is just screwed up, and i'm pretty sure its screwing up everything - no one is hiring, everythign is unstable, and costs are going up. I'm considering making some changes to save myself some money and get things a hair more stable in my life. Like a hair more stable is gonna make any difference.

I find i'm adjusting my standards in where i'll work and what i'll do. I'm spreading out a little further, and doing a little more magic math to see what will work for me.

I want soup. I eat soup every day. I like soup.

blah!

Time to go do things that i have to do!

Band....

2008-10-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.inrich.com/cva/ric/news.apx.-content-articles-RTD-2008-10-03-0245.html

sounds like marching band as i know it...

moving forward

2008-10-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

its a good day...

There are alot of other things i've been thinking about blogging about. I seem to think about great blog ideas when i'm driving, but never get around to blogging them.

i had an interview this morning. It went well... i've gotten a call about a second interview. I feel good about it. its a pretty day and i've had the windows open airing out the house.

I just had one of those days when i felt great...

life has a messed up sense of irony

2008-09-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

"mistakes are how we learn"... that's what the military dr. dude on grey's said to Cristina when she spilled her guts about killing the guy...

its funny, cause i found out how some people must not believe in learning, since mistakes are not permitted... Yeah.. i'm back in the catagory of unemployed. that rocking job i was so excited about fizzled so fast i'm pretty sure it could have knocked me over as it ran by... This one didn't upset me as much as the last - it was more of a shock that someone would get rid of a new employee on their 7th day without so much as a warning, without so much as real oversight in to what they had been doing. they gave me reasons, but they were BS, and i had started to have second thoughts about that job anyway.

So i'm having to get redirected. I'm thinking of buying a compass so that i can find my direction- i'm not having much luck knowing what direction i'm heading in. (O HOLY CRAP Cristina is makign out with the Army Dr Dude) - i shouldn't blog during Grey's -

I really am having trouble really knowing what i want to go into. I know i want a great job, but where do those come from? i want to have something that i can get excited about, and that i can share with people and love.

But in the meantime, i'm back to yoga pants, lonely days, and a screwed up schedules.

a few pics of conner

2008-09-18T20:28:00.002-07:00

Conner Jackson Vance

2008-09-18T20:28:00.001-07:00

its been a week now, but i thought i should update this a little on this matter

teh family welcomed Conner Jackson Vance into the world at 3:02 PM on September 11, 2008, weighing in at 7 lbs 15 oz and full of pee...

seriously, he peed on everything and everyone (but me!)

He seems like a great baby... he's a cutie and is soo good....

more later... its late and i'm a working girl now

employment...

2008-09-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ok... so today was day 5 of employment... it went well... its gone well so far...

its been alot like a first week of college... lots of new things, lots of new people, i keep getting lost, and there's alot of beer around...

ok.. so the first week of college there was drinking of beer, and now i just ship it and get lost among the palates and pallats of beer... its like beer heaven, or something...

there's alot of beer

did i mention that this job is nothing but beer?

(no i don't get free samples)

My Cup Runneth Over

2008-09-10T18:22:00.001-07:00

I'll skip over alot of frustration that has found me recently and i'll definatly skip over (for now) the dead cat in the driveway and being harrassed by turkeys in my own yard.

I've found a job - I start Monday with a small, indepndent beer & wine distributer. I feel like this is a good opportunity to get in with a growing operation, and get moving forward in my life. I'm excited to be back in the work force, and i'm even more excited. 17 weeks of unemployment is enough for me. I'll write more about this job once i've actually been to work...

Bodatious is this weekend. Mike's running the truck - i'm excited to have him running again, and hopefully the truck will run well. I'm excited to finish up this summer with bodatious, since i started this unemployemnt thing with bodatious... its like bookends on a long summer break.

And finnally, tomorrow my long awaited newphew Hambone is scheduled to arrive... I'm meeting my sis & B-I-L at the hospital tomorrow, where she'll be induced. I'll try to get on and post details as soon as i can, but with this weekend i don't have any idea when i'll make it back to sit down here.

My computer is likely to get lonely this weekend, and next week. I've been able to keep it company almost every day this summer, but now i have to go make friends with a new PC, and a whole new environment.

I feel very peaceful, and very anxious at the same time. this is a big big week for me, and for my family.

Well, i'm off to do some yoga and try and get myself composed before making dinner and getting ready for the busy busy week/end.

and that's why we don't get our hopes up

2008-09-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

I had a tottally rocking interview yesterday - I felt like i hit the ball out of the park, and since i was one of 3 being interviewed for the position, i felt really confident. I even let myself get excited about this one.

I did some followup today, and found out they made an offer to someone else and they accepted... This one really upset me cause i had felt so confident, and was so excited about the prosepect.

I've been really hesitant to get excited, and even talk about most of my prospects. I don't like getting turned down, and i hate having to tell people that i didn't get a job that i interviewed for.

there's still one job still hanging out there that i'm excited about, but it wasn't as exciting as the other one i didn't get.

in other news, Nephew hambone is scheduled to arrive anytime in the next week, at the latest being induced on the 11th... so i'll be an aunty soon...

at least that's happy

you go girl

2008-09-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Completly aside from her political views, i like Sarah Palin as a person. She's funny, she's real, she's a breath of fresh air... I don't know what she does or doesn't stand for, but i like her as a person.

She's got cute glasses, good hair, and i can't see her being a flake....

finally a youthful, well spoken women (is that taboo to say)...

She'll probably not going to get anywhere, and like i said, i don't know her platforms, i just think she's a pretty neat person

strange dreams

2008-08-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

I had a strange dream last night. I was in college, living in a dorm, and my family showed up to move me out. I hadn't prepared, and i had more stuff than we could move with the vehicles we had. My sweet german granmother was jsut packing stuff up, whether it was mine or not, and i just stood there looking at my roommate wondering if she'd having anything at the end of the day. I was glad to wake up.

I hated moving in college. It stressed me out. I don't like packing, i don't like unpacking and i don't really like having all of my belongings being manhandled. Moving to college always fell aroudn my birthday, with my senior year being ON my birthday - happy 21st - lets move everything you own.

but that's been 6 years... wow...
I feel old

Operation Hambone - Success!

2008-08-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

I finally finished Operation Hambone. Its been a long process, and it sorta stressed me out for a while, but it was worth it. The cookout went well, although we had enough food leftover for half the Army. But the 30 or so people that were here were well fed and enjoyed themselves.

And the friends shower was great. So many of the other moms gave Mom-to-Be so much advice and insight, and the food was great!.

now for the projects...

Shopping Cart Cover

This little doosie gave me several headaches before i smartened up and just did it the way i thought it should be done and quit worrying about the pattern. you can't tell from this pic, but its fully padded, and those little black straps have velcro so you can attach toys for Hambone's entertainment. It also has pockets on the ends of the inside for bottles, or whatever you need to keep at hand.

Fabric Book

this was a pre-packaged project that i had to put my own touches on to finish it. I finally gave in and bought a eyelet punch to lace it together. One of the common themes of both showers was building a library for Hambone.

Curtains

These were the easist part. Mom-to-be picked out the fabric, and my main concern was makign sure that they fit the window properly. These are shown on a window in my house, but you can see how pretty they are. in case you can't tell, that's peanuts baseball fabric :) - I'm sure Dad-to-Be things that's great!

Ugly the Bear

He didn't start out that ugly. I promise... he just didn't come out quite right.. but the poem around his neck makes it a little better...

I'm not just any bear,

I'm Ugly the Bear!

I may not be so pretty,

But I was made with lots of love

So when things are looking ugly,

Just give me a great big hug!

Onsies & T's

Through the magic of Injet Iron on transfers, i was able to make a few Snoopy/Peanuts onsies adn shirts for hambone. You can't find them in teh stores, so i created.

I didn't get a picture of the baby spoon - i'm a little of a goober on tha tone, but it was just a fantastic E-bay find.

more later.

Operation Hambone

2008-07-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

I just finished one of the phases of Operation Hambone, and i'm totally impressed... i so am taking pictures of all of the stuff i do so i can post it later after its no longer a secret operation...

i lied

2008-07-07T20:11:00.001-07:00

i lied... it didn't rain....

but i did walk 3 miles today - GO ME!

making progress... on something...

2008-07-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

i sat down to day to work on the many side projects i've got going - most of it related to baby hambone (baby hambone is my sister's yet to be birthed child). I can't say much about alot of it because my sis has been a reader, but i can say i got the invites for the baby shower finally finished, and hopefully can get back to working on a few other projects for this 'Operation Hambone' that i'm in the middle of.
I'm eager to get some things finished up, since it seems i'm in teh middle of to many of htem. The invites should have gone out before the holiday, but i didn't managed to get seated at the computer much last week...
It finally rained last night, adn judging by the radar, it looks like we'll get more this evening.. Its good, cause everything was way too brown this early in the summer... I don't want the shower/cookout to be a dust bowl...
but the rain has sparked something else... my stargazers are blooing... the first bloom was shining up at me this morning, and by the end of the week, the hibiscus on the deck will be blooming... I feel like this is a change in the tide of things...
time to go walking-or some thing like walking to get some exercise...

a MOMents....

2008-07-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

last night, after a great family dinner, i got home late.. since i'd been out most of the afternoon, i checked my e-mail first thing...
there was an e-mail from my dad... a forward... nothing special...
but it shows up in my in-box as being from my mom...
i cried
and cried
and cried...

I couldn't stop thinking about mom last night... i just didn't sleep well...

i miss mom...

a change of tides

2008-07-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

ok... so somewhere along the line, something changed... no... i havn't goten a job yet... but that's ok for right now... and that's what has changed.

I spent hours yesterday reading. just sitting on the couch reading... I've had that book for over two weeks... i had to renew it from the library cause i just hadn't gotten around to reading it. But yesterday ( and monday too) i've been able to sit down and just read... and not feel compelled to do anything else but read. So far the book (Anita Shreve - Body Surfing) is as good as many of the other books of hers i've read, and has almost inspired me to re-read a few of her books after i finish the ones i got from the library.

I'm getting to that place I've wanted to be for over a month... the place where i can get done what I need to get done, but also find time to enjoy things and relax some. I'm working on a few projects, and hope to get to a few other things once i get past the stuff i'm working on.

in other news, i also now am getting the money from unemployment that i deserve. I finally went through a very stressful eligibility hearing with my former employer, but now i've got the money, so i can stop stressing about money as much. I do have some expenses coming up, but hopefully I can plan for them, and everything will be ok.

So i have in interview today- a suprise since i figgured this week would be a wash with the holiday coming up. I'm optimistic, although i have gotten a little less confident about the jobs i was waiting to hear back from. I've basically decided that those didn't come my way since i havn't heard anything. But that's ok... there are alot more people looking than there are jobs, so its a tough market... i'm only a few weeks in and this is a long journey... i knew that coming in.

But its sunny and mild outside, and i'm hungry... time for some lunch adn tehn to get ready to head into town...

feeling kinda worthless

2008-06-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

there's nothing like listening to your former employer list trash you in a tele-conference to make you feel special...

I had the determination of benefits conference today for unemployment... yeah... its been six weeks since i lost my job... they take their time... and it was miserable to listen to the president of the company talk about who I'd been given warnings about my performance... (a year ago) - listing things I'm not even sure i knew i wasn't doing. But it was good to hear them say that there was no event that led to my discharge... and the woman seemed a little put off that their "warning" (which was when i got a promotion i thought i had taken away) was over a year ago... and that they didn't even seem to be able to figure out what day they axed me... And to listen to the tables be turned to make it sound like i was effing up a bunch and knew it was coming... I got broadsided, and I feel like I've been raked over the coals... I feel pretty shitty, and I'm starting to run out of $$ cause i haven't had any income in 5 weeks... but i should have a nice little check coming from unemployment when (if) it comes through...

But then again, I had another interview this morning that I feel went pretty well... hopefully I'll hear back shortly on some of these outstanding jobs... I think I'm up to 3 that I want, and a few others i could deal with :)

so I'm off to finish finding some lunch (i didn't feel like eating before the phone conference) and then go out and battle the lawn... I've got lots of different options for making it pretty here, so I'll be busy

silence is golden...

2008-06-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

i've been quiet for two and a half weeksor so... just sorta plugging along... i've had a few interviews and am hopeful on a few... i'm not going to say much about them... only that i've learned to not get other people too excited even if i am. I've been quiet because i've been working on adjusting my life to whatever comes... sometimes its easier to just roll with it, which isn't the easiest thing for me to do at times...

There have been some really tough moments in the past weeks... We got together and went through mom's clothes, pickout out what we wanted to keep, and what we would donate to a women's shelter. It was absoutly heartbreaking to see the shirts that we saw her wear all the time. Some things we couldn't let go of, and others we had to, becuase we just couldn't keep all of it. Seeing all the clothes we bought her over the years, especailly the ones we just gave her for Christmas brought home how recent this all is, even if we've started to move forward in our lives. Its been tough... I have a nice outfit of Mom's i just can't bring myself to wear yet... Its the one she's wearing in the last full family picture we have...

In less solemn news, i ever so gracefully sprained my ankle this weekend... its big and fat and purple. I'm getting around alright, and its not too bad of a sprain, but it really has slowed me down this week. I sometimes wish i could get injured doing somethign interesting... but no... i have to bust myself just walking...

I'm starting to get used to being out of work. Which i'm sure means that i'm about to have something change... i just know that's how it works...

oh yeah, Hunny and i got hair cuts... Hunny got all his cut off, and mine is layered again... i like what it does when i dont' do anything with it... i actually got ready for my interview today in almost no-time cuase it looked fine when i woke up this morning...
that's what i call a good haircut

now what do i want for dinner?

moving on

2008-06-05T14:57:00.001-07:00

its been almost a week since my last post... not intentionally... it seems my dsl connection has been playing games. Three times this week the connection has gone out for no good reason.

The job search isn't lookign really promising... I'm getting alot of "thank you but..." letters for jobs i'm not "as qualified" for. that's fine... i'm stretching myself sometimes to try to find things that are challenging, and i wont' get as many responses for those applications.

im actually in kinda a good mood... through a late birthday present, i now have a very groovy patio set. its the perfect size for our deck, and it makes me happy to look out and see the umberlla (but that wont' be able to stay up... it'll blow away if i dont' take it in...

I went outside this afternoon and took some pictures aroudn the yard... it started with the squirels on teh bird feeder, then a cute little froggie hopped up to me... then i sorta wandered aroudn from there to see what i could find... so here's what i found..

Mr. Squirel stealing himself a meal...
Mr. Toad out for an afternoon hop...

Pretty wild dasies soaking up the (very hot) sun

the minature rose bush out front blooming itself silly... it has probably 40+ blooms at any time..

yes... this is a snake... it was trying to get under our porch... let me just say that i DON"T LIKE SNAKES and he wasn't a tiny snake... i tried to run him off, but he squeezed under that door...

enough critters and blooms... i'm going to go sweat on the deck and enjoy my new chairs and table..

i'm pissed

2008-05-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

it took approximatly 3 weeks for the anger of my unemployment to set in. I'm just so angry that I'm in this situation, and that things aren't exactly flowing in my direction right now. I'm even more angry that i'm not able to deal with this, to enjoy the free time. I want to be able to sit on my deck and listen to the birds, and not think about who else might be hiring. I want to be able to sit down at the computer and not obsessively check my e-mail for responses to e-mails i sent, and not to open the newspaper site to check for new job postings. I want to not feel like i'm totally unable to contribute to things...

I started working on refinishing mom's chairs yesterday. its going better, and at least at taht i seem to have a little success. I'm still way to far from any finish point to even hint at anything positive, but its at least something that quiets my head for a little while.

I can't seem to get to doing anything. It seems like since i left college, every time i get things moving along, a hurricane comes and blows my world apart. And i know that everyone has derailings... people get laid off, and people go through tough spells... i dont pretend to be alone in this stress... It just seems to come at a time when I need the most peace.

Oh well.. i'm gonna go eat some comfort food... i've been eating a lot of comfort food, but i need the comfort. what i really need is to start eating right, and start working out, but i'll get to that later.... right now i want my chicken fingers and fries....

sparkle...

2008-05-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

i wanna be bright and shiny and new again...i'm tired of this funk... i want my sparkle back...

a lack of progress

2008-05-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

things are going very slowly. too slowly. I've not really heard anything back on my job search in a week. I've gotten some rejection letters, but no new interviews scheduled. I'm not even finding many ads out there, which scares me. this economy isn't going to support much, and i've got to be shiny to impress people, and i'm having a really hard time being shiny...

this weekend was good, but i'm having a hard time separating days from weekends... I enjoy flexibility, but this is too flexible. I found a yoga place nearby, but i'm not sure i can afford the sessions - I'm really not sure how my finances are going to work, and it makes me very anxious. I want to be able to keep up with my obligations, and not have to worry about money, but i just don't know.

I don't know - its quiet here, and i need to get out of the house... i've not been anywhere since monday and i'm sorta getting antsy...

7 days... interview 4... this is starting to get old...

2008-05-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if i'm making progress at this whole thing or not. I had an interview today, and i just feel apathetic towards it... I would have predicted i would have been happier, but the location just sucks... its too far away, and the parking is on-street. that's a big BLAH to me, cause i want somewhere i feel comfortable driving teh truck... i don't need to come out at lunch and find someone parked their tiny little car under my truck... blah...
I think its a clue when i'm not excited about the interview when i walk out of it. I had been excited about the prospects of working for the same type of firm, but it just didn't feel like a good fit.
I'm starting to lose my momentum being at home - especailly if i have to go to town for an interveiw... when i get home i'm wiped out... i slept in fairly late, got ready, went in to the interview, and was home no more than 3.5 hours after i left, and i was exhausted... i think its the part about being bright and shiny.. about quelling the nervousness and stilling my fidgets.
I need to get back on track tomorrow... i've got to get myself back into gear and stop being such a bum... its not helping me be motivated..

unemployed day 6 (yes i missed day 5 and interview 3)

2008-05-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

ok.. so i didn't blog on friday... The interview went well.. i could see myself doing that job... and the money didn't sound bad. But at the same time, i'd rather work closer to home. and that's all i have to say about that...

the weekend at bodatious went well... all my boys did well, and were well behaved... the racing went well, and the weather was beautiful - i hate that there's not another race till fall, but summer races just aren't as sucessful. being at the track is such a recharge for me, and i feel refreshed after seeing my people.

today was not a productive day... i got resumes out, and i dealt with VEC (virginia employment commission) - those people are so tedious...

I have an interview tomorrow with another engineering firm. The location isn't great, but we'll see... i'm trying to be open minded about it...

i don't know what i want to do when i grow up. I'm not sure which way to go on teh yellow brick road... the munchkins have sent me down the road, but now i need a scarecrow to point me in the right direction, a tinman to remind me to keep moving or i'll rust up, and a lion to annoy teh snot out of me so i'll hurry up and get there and get him off my case... i'll pass on having toto with me... (speaking of toto - the fuzzy puppy tried to follow my down the road today... luckily he's very lazy and didn't run more than 20 yards after my truck before he gave up)

agggggggg... i need to get my arssss in gear and start moving in some direction, not just milling aroudn waiting for some strawbrain to tell me where to go...

deeper thoughts

2008-05-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

when we were little, i knew what i wanted to be when i grew up. I wanted to be a doctor - no ifs ands or buts... but as i got older, i realized that i wasn't really meant to be a doctor. I didn't like math. I wanted to be able to express myself... that's when i wanted to be a reporter... i wanted to tell people's stories. I wanted to share things for the world to see. I wanted to tell stories and share expirences. I wanted everyone to see the amazing way i saw the world.
In high school, i had teh choice of applying for the "center for communications".. it was basically a journalism program for high school students... it was even at my home high school (other schools had other programs - you could apply and end up at another school). but i really wanted to be able to pick my classes, and customise my education. I wanted to take foreign languages, and i wanted to take band. I wanted Honors classes. i didn't want to burn out on journalism before college... i knew that's what i wanted, just not too early.
So when i got to RU, i jumped in head first knowing i wanted to be a TV reporter. I was destined to be the next Dan Rather... Until I got infront of teh camera - I hated not being able to say more. TV news is so short - so many important details get left out. I couldn't say what i felt like needed to be said in the 30 seconds they gave me to talk abuot the road construction, or holiday shopping, or whatever the hell else i did packages on. but i could write newspaper stories all day long, making sure to include the important details in the 15 column inches they gave me.
So i pushed myself and did a great job with newspaper - and i graduted (early)
Then i couldn't find a job - i counld't find the type of job i wanted... post 9-11 the job market for new graduates with no real expirence sucked. I was broke, and determined to make it on my own. so i took a job - the first one that was offered to me... i think i started the next day after they called me, and it was ok. i was disappointed in the job, but it kept the bills paid, and gave me insurance. Then it started to go south, and i was fired -
So i started asking what i want to do with myself again... and i found AES - i was so frustrated, but so confident i had found what i wanted. I slipped into that job so easily, and i thought i did a good job...
someone told me that i "struggled to be OK at something..." the more i think about it, there have been several things in my life that i've struggled to be ok at. I wasn't good at band, but i wouldn't quit. i sucked at basketball, and finally accpeted that in lieu of getting cut or making an ass of myself, i ran indoor track instead. I wasn't a good runner... i worked hard, but didn't get the results - probably from starting out too late...
I wasn't great at my first job - it was boring, and i felt like i was in the wrong place - my boss treated me like a kid, and in alot of ways i felt like a kid there...
but i was good at what i was doing at AES - i just got bored... the guy who hired me worried about me getting bored... but he retired a few months ago, and teh workload waned... i was bored and demeaned by them removing my promotion and hiring someone else. So i struggled to keep up cause i just didn't have motivation. Even when i was following directions, it seems like someone was always undermining my attempts...
But my boss kept a positive attitude, and thanked me for my hard work, and i felt secure. that's another thing, sometimes when you feel secure, taht's when your waiting for the rug to be yanked out from under you.
So here i am, at age 26, trying to figgure out what i want to do with my life (again). i've got a degree i'm not exactly sure how to use in the real world, and i live to far from most things to make it feasable to start at the bottom of the ladder. I'm not sure i'm ready to be the shit-on (below a pee-on)
So i'm taking steps into the unknown. I have optimism, and i believe. and that's all i can know from here...
I feel unsure, and unsettled... maybe some more quiet time will bring peace...

Day 4... (first interviews)

2008-05-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

OK... this morning i woke up early to get ready for my interviews... and i had to make smart choices... i had to remember to not use glitter lotion so i won't look like a stripper. I had to remember to wear nice clothes, the kind that mad me look educated and sophisicated. I had to remember not to eat things that make me fart or burp... i had to remember my manners and watch my language.

Interview one was a little disappointing. the girl was really nice and gave me alot of advice, but neither she nor i seemed to want to put me into the position... i don't really want a mediocre job downtown... but she made me alot more confident to go into other interviews...

Interview two was much better - i was alot more relaxed, and it was for a position i think i want more. I don't think i like the location, cause its a LONG drive, but if tehy pay me well, adn i'm doing what i want, it could be worth it, at least to look into. I dont' know if its going to pan out, but i'd love to be doign marketing/graphics for a living. I tested well in all my catagories, including photoshop, so i'm hopeful... not overly so, but hopefull. I believe that the right thing will happen... i believe i will make the right decisions...

I like the shirt i was wearing today... it makes me feel pretty... I don't like buying clothes much because i can't find clothes that fit me well, that i can afford, that don't make it look like i'm wearing a tent, or hiding a basketball under my shirt (i'm not)... I need to start sewing, but that's a tough subject... i've not managed to pick my sewing in a while. I feel like its tough for me to go about it without mom. I know i can do it, but sometimes its hard to take the first steps... maybe next week i can look through teh fabric i have, and see what i can make without spending $$...

no sign of puppies today - its a relief... i want a dog, just not a random stray that really belongs to the neighbors... but its hard to give back a wiggling, loving puppy... I just don't want a dog taht's going to be a pain in teh ass with unknown problems...

Day 3...

2008-05-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

today the momentum shifted... i sent out resumes, applied for jobs, but i got calls back!!! i've got two interviews lined up for this week, one tomorrow and one Friday. Unfortunately i couldn't get them both on the same day, so i wouldn't have to make two trips, but oh well... I'm not totally psyched anymore... i'm starting to dread the interview process... its been so long since i've done it that i'm not totally sure i'm in the right mindset. but i'm better at thinking on my feet now, and i'm a little more comfortable in meetings these days. Hopefully i wont fart or anything awful like that.

I can't wear my lucky suit... it doesn't fit... :( i need to lose the weight so i can wear my lucky suit again... but i have some cute new clothes that i just bought that i hardly even got to wear to work... if i get a really professional job, i'm gonna be SCREWED cause i don't have business wear... i barely had clothes to wear to the business casual type crap i was wearing... :( i need Cinderella's mice to make me some nice clothes...

i'm still not sure what i want to do when i grow up- any suggestions???

puppies?!?!?

2008-05-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

ok... so i'm not getting a puppy... i was just sitting here working, and i heard something... Sounded like a bird or something... i went outside, and there was this fuzzy puppy on teh porch... It was crying, and crying... it saw me, and it had happy cries... but it wouldn't stop crying. I gave it some water, and it was happy and crying. This puppy wouldn't stop crying.
I don't need a puppy right now - especially a crier.
I took him next door, where this puppy's family turned out to be - the lady next door wanted to give it to me - I DON"T THINK SO... i don't need a stray.
So i returned the puppy, but i'm not sure i won't find more puppies outside...

sigh... i like puppies, but not strange crying puppies...

Day 2...

2008-05-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

OK... so I actually applied for a few jobs today... mostly what ones like i just had. I'm not sure what else I'm qualified to do - so I'm taking it slow on those. In alot of ways, I want to hurry up and get a job, so that I can relax and enjoy some of this time. But bigger parts of me want to find something incredible. Something that just blows me away and i don't end up playing scramble all day long again.

I've got a running to-do list. Its kinda scary. Hunny keeps finding chores for me, and some of them I'm just not doing. I don't like ladders, and I'm not standing on them when no one is home. I just don't do that. I'll stay up late and make Hunny dinner when he gets home - I'll be the housewife that does all of that, but I'm not doing all the household chores by myself. And he knows that... I'm not sure how much he's joking with me...

I'm worried that I'm going to become June freaking Cleaver. I keep thinking of all the projects I can do, all the great meals I can make. I just like being home in ways, and in alot of was i resent it... I think if it was really a vacation, I could appreciate it... but its not.. its no picnic...

but I've made steps down this road and hopefully it won't be a long road..

Day 1...

2008-05-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

Ok... it's day 1, and i'm already starting to get a little bored. I did laundry today, and started working up my resume. And i started thinking about what i want to do with my life. I found a few things that i'm going to apply for - one of which that sounds just like my old job. But do I want to be doing the same thing i've been doing for the last four year?

I need to get out and about (locally) and try to get myself going.

Hopefully day 2 will go better... and all the ones after that.

a slap in the face

2008-05-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

So i should have posted this a few days ago, but i just wasn't up to even being on the computer. As if i wasn't having enough trouble keeping myself going, Friday afternoon, the president of my company called me in to lay me off... i effing got LAID OFF!!! there's no work in the company, there wasn't much for me to do, so they needed to cut expenses... i was the expense. I feel sorta screwed, but there's nothing i can do about it but pick up the pieces and move forward. I've got a litte bit of severance and some vacation time that i'll be paid for, then its off to unemployment. I've been there before, and i know it sucks royally, but its what i've got to do. Hopefully this is my chance to really find something different. I've got some brilliant ideas but who knows what will really pan out. I'm not even what sure what direction i want to move in so i guess i can try and see what's out there.

So wish me luck in my journey... i'm putting one foot in front of another starting today, and its a new beginning...

i found a pot of gold... well not exactly

2008-05-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

i had to run by walmart this afternoon to pick up some green slime for the tire on my four wheeler... and of course, i have to circle the store to see what i might find...

walking by the craft section, something caught my eye.... they had a display of inkjet crafts... and they had the inkjet temporary tattoo paper... i've been trying to find this for about 6 months, and have checked everywhere... i finally found it online, and was planning on ordering some, so i can try out some tatoo ideas and placements. and it was right there, in front of my face, and jsut about as cheap as online (and with no shipping or buying from a strange online store!!!) so i get to play with my designs, and soon i'll be walking around with a temp of what will probably be permanent... i might even share it...

if i sneeze anymore, i'm going to be moving backwards

2008-05-06T07:27:00.001-07:00

ok... not Hunny & I both sound like we're dying... i like pretty spring, just not the medical implications it brings...

So a good friend recommended a new site to me... Spark People... i think i like it. Its a healthy lifestyles type of site - gives you fitness & nutrition tracking. Its a neat way to see where you are, and where you need to be to get to your goals... I've used other sites before, but i think this is the most complete. I kinda reccomend it... if you join, tell 'em you heard it from MellyAnne429... they have a "points" system, and i get bonus points for referrals... :)

anyway... i'm back on the horse so to speak, if i can keep from sneezing my brains out...

Getting back on the wagon

2008-05-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

Well... i forced my ass to go to the gym this afternoon, and against my better judgement, I took the step express class. I am not very good at step, and this is the high level class that really moves quickly. i have the grace of a newborn giraffe, and typically i try to avoid step classes. I'm really trying to get back in shape and lose some weight and plain out get back in shape.

But i'm feeling crappy - i hate pollen, and i hate the way it makes me feel. I've been snotty and had headachs for days, and i'm tired of it. I've got cramps, and in general i didn't want to work that hard for 45 mins... but it was good for me...

When i walked out of the gym, i really wanted to call mom to gripe about feeling bad and not everything. It really hits me when i'm driving home that thing have changed. I always called her on the way home, and its been alot of long, lonely drives home.

but i'm home, in a pollen free house (we've got one of those rediculus hepa house filters) and i keep it as clean as i can...

what a monday its been..

bloguilt

2008-05-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so bad at this... i get so caught up in my own issues that i forget that i need to vent them...
We made it through mom's birthday ok... well.. we didn't really do anything other than deal in our own ways... it rained alot that day, and it was nice for it to be gloomy, so noone would ask what was up with me. I'm not sure what you do for your dead mom's birthday.

Hunny's b-day, and our anniversary were descent. No big observations, but sometimes that's exactly what's called for. Someone told me we should be makeing a bigger deal out of 8 years... i figgure unless there's a status change, then we're just maintaining, and that's not always a milestone.

The weather has finally broke, although it really has killed everyone. My sinuses are rebelling, and Hunny's have joined the rebellion. The green haze is taking over, and i'm not sure i'm winning.

BLAH - its monday and it feels like a monday -
I have to go to the gym today - i have been rreally bad at not going. I've wanted to go, but i just havn't felt up to it. I've had sinus headaches, body aches, and well... have just plain out been grumpy.

I've started destroying the landscaping in the yard. Hopefully i can get plenty of shitty plants ripped out and get ready to move in momma's babies. I hope i don't kill all her beloved plants... that would truly be unbearable..

happy cinco de mayo - this may call for mexicanesque dinner... or at least HintOLime Tostitos & salsa... i love lime...

two weeks... MOMents...

2008-03-28T19:37:00.001-07:00

i've not written like i wanted to... somehow sitting down and writing hasn't been as easy. Denial is a wonderful thing. It is easy to forget reality...

I had my first WWMD (what would mom do) Tuesday night when I was baking a cake. The eggs wouldn't beat right - they just wouldn't do it... and all i wanted to do was call mom and find out what i did wrong. Mom was my guide to everything - I'd even ask questions that she wouldn't' know an answer to, just to feel better cause i didn't know... And I stood there crying because I didn't know what to do. I had to walk away, and remind myself that I have to go on, I have to make my own decisions, and i have to look in myself and ask what would mom do...

I'm having more Mom moments (hereon MOMents)... Its not that I'm not glad that her suffering is over... i just miss her... alot...
i didn't know how much i liked talking to her till i can't anymore.. its these things that i appreciate the most...

But life goes on... I'll have more MOMents, but I'll make it - that's what mom expects...

... so it begins

2008-03-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

I'm using this blog as a way to deal with the passing of my mother... She's not even been gone a week, and I wanted to do something that to help myself keep going... to cope, to share my thoughts, feelings, questions, etc.

So I'll give you a little background on Momma...

CONNER, Brigitte Berta, born April 20, 1955, passed away March 13, 2008, during hospice care for ovarian cancer. Her 57-month battle with this disease was bravely fought, and she will be missed by all who knew her. She is survived by her husband, Bruce Conner; two daughters, Nicole Vance and husband, Ray, and Melissa Conner and boyfriend, Mike Timberlake; her mother, Elfriede Narkum; her brother, Frank Mason; and the extended Conner and Burton families. Brigitte was a longtime member of St. John's Catholic Church in Highland Springs. The family will receive friends at the Nelsen Funeral Home, 4650 S. Laburnum Ave., 5 to 8 p.m. Sunday, March 16. A Mass of the Resurrection will be held 11 a.m. Monday, March 17, at St. John's Catholic Church. Interment Washington Memorial Park. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to St. John's Catholic Church Building Fund or the Little Sisters of the Poor.

But that doesn't tell you much about who Momma really was. She was a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, and the most wonderful person I've ever met. She was polite to a fault, she was giving, she was so much of what we all hope to be. She never missed anything when my sister and I were in school. No matter how boring the track meet, how long the drive to a game, or how hard the bleachers, she was always there. She stayed up late to make sure our projects were done, and we had properly prepared for a test, and got us up early to get ready for school. She drove more miles taking us to and from school than most people commuting across town to work, and we were only a few miles from school. She never complained when she had to bring me my flute/shoes/lunch/whatever that I'd forgotten that morning. She took it as part of her job as a mother.

And though she was quiet, she was a funny funny woman. She had a dry sense of humor, and a poor memory. She didn't remember initials or acronyms for anything, which was just funny. She wasn't good with directions, but had the most ridiculously neat handwriting of anyone I've ever met. She labeled everything with our names, initials, or some sort of identifier. That's just who she was.

She loved flowers - I'm not sure she didn't think of her flowers as her third (and fourth, and fifth) children. She knew what every plant was, and had it strategically placed by color, bloom time, and her own dream. When she outgrew one flowerbed, she just created another one.

that's enough on that for now -

there was something on the news today that hit me. It was a story on my old middle school. Whenever i heard anything like that, I called mom to discuss it. I could voice my opinion and she never really objected to my opinion - I'll miss those conversations.