blue christmas

Ok... i'll admit it. I just plain out don't want Christmas. The thought of Christmas, and the holidays, and everything just makes me cry. Not just cry, but sob. I knew the holidays would be bad, but i just didn't know how bad. I love christmas. I love shopping for people. But this year i don't have a job and no money to shop for my loved ones. And don't say its not about the gifts - becuase when i think about that whole being with family thing, that makes me even more upset. I feel like i'm in a well and i can't climb out. 

And i know i'm not alone. My sister and dad have both voiced that this just doen't seem like christmas. 

And i'm not mad at mom... she'd be here if she could. She hung on and tried to fight more than anyone i've ever know. And i know she's here in spirit, and she's in heaven - probably crying because we're crying. 

I just feel so selfish. I don't want to have christmas tomorrow. I don't have any gifts i really wanted. I don't want the tree in my living room to be there, and the gifts under the tree don't mean what they usually do. 

I just feel sick this week. I havn't felt like eating - i've not eaten enough today, but i just feel sick. I've had trouble keeping up with buddy today. I just havn't wanted to do anything. I want to lay on the couch and sleep. I mean - i've been wearing sweatpants! i havn't worn sweatpants in years. I'm pretty sure if Hunny didn't have a pretty consistant schedule, I'd forget to shower, and i'm not sure i'd be eating. Heck- i have NO idea of what day it is. I only get out of bed when i do because i feel bad for the doggie... and then i go stand in teh cold and think wow- i don't have a job.

Yes, i'm feeling really sorry for myself. I know that i'm not the only person in the world that's going through this. And i don't have to have this attitude. But i have to be selfish right now - that's my gift to myself this christmas - that and a belt. 

So sorry i'm not cheery- but i do wish you teh best merry christmas i can muster.